iPhone 5 Release Wreaks Havoc on America
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Sep 22, 2012

iPhone 5 Release Wreaks Havoc on America

When Apple dropped the new iPhone 5 on the United States of America, the public’s frenzy-like rush to get their hands on it was to be expected. But no one, not even the late Steve Jobs himself, could have anticipated the extent of the madness that ensued.

The highly anticipated iPhone 5 was finally released in retail stores on September 21, nine days after it was unveiled to the public. Millions flocked to local iPhone carrying outlets across the country to be among the first to own the wildly popular handset. Shocking bloodshed ensued as thousands resorted to lawlessness in their ruthless quest for the new gadget.
The iPhone 5 release has exposed a cult-like following of the Apple brand. With one hand on your heart and the other clenched tightly around your iPhone, try to stay sane amidst the lunacy.

All’s fair in love and Apple
Mary Jo Collins, a now bloodied and bruised 34-year-old baker at Eclairs ‘N’ More bakery shop in Bon Temps, Louisiana, was interviewed and broadcasted on hundreds of major news stations across the nation. Much to their horror and confusion, millions of Americans watched and listened to her story through their televisions. Collins looked deranged as she stood slightly hunched over with her tousled hair and ripped t-shirt, blood trickling down her face from her head. She had human teeth marks and scratches on her right arm. Her false eyelashes on her left eye were dangling off her eyelid, and she smiled big with two of her teeth missing.
“Well, I look like hell but I got my iPhone!” she exclaimed in a southern drawl, smiling at the camera through her Jack o' lantern grin. “It was damn worth it! My baby’s gonna love her new celly,” she declared emphatically, with a sense of accomplishment only her “baby” could appreciate.
Collins had been involved in a mass riot outside of a Verizon store in Bon Temps on September 21 at approximately 9:00 am. News footage from the riot showed complete and utter chaos, with people literally stepping on each other’s toes (and bodies) to get into the store.
A 20-something-year-old Caucasian male with skinny jeans on and a ruthless look in his eye was seen in the crowd furiously grabbing the shirt off the back of a guy in front of him, in an attempt to get closer to the entrance door. The assailant, who has now been identified as Greg Williams, wore a white t-shirt that read “IPHONE 4-EVA!!!” scribbled in red permanent marker in what looked to be his own handwriting. 90 feet away from Williams a woman was spotted employing a diversionary tactic with her 5-year-old son as her accomplice. Her son was seen “pantsing” multiple people in the crowd, throwing them off guard as their shorts dropped to their ankles. Meanwhile, the mother would push past them to get closer to the store’s entrance.
Out with the old iPhone, on with the new -- but first, a proper goodbye

In Jacksonville, Florida a local news station captured a strange gathering on the night of September 22. An iPhone cult was holding a candlelight vigil in an area of unused dirt at a local cemetery. The glow of the crowd members’ candle flames flickered against their solemn faces as their leader, Skeltor Van Valkenburg, stood on a large rock and spoke out to the crowd.
“Tonight, we lay to rest our old iPhones, and welcome our iPhone 5 as our new personal savior. Rest in peace, iPhone 4’s,” he bellowed.
“Rest in peace, iPhone 4’s; rest in peace, iPhone 4’s,” the crowd began to chant after him.
One of the members present, a tall man with an ominous face who slightly resembled Lurch from the Addams family, stuck a shovel into the ground and began to dig up small holes. The cult followers watched with him reluctant eyes for a few moments. Finally, each of them slowly began to place their old iPhones into the holes in the ground, burying them up with dirt.
A group of four followers were seen huddled in a circle nearby, sobbing uncontrollably. The reporter on the scene, Shaylyn Cortes, proceeded to ask the leader why exactly everyone seemed so sad. After all, weren’t they happy they finally got their new iPhones? Van Valkenburg paused for a moment, looking thoughtful.
“They are bittersweet tears,” he said at last, biting his thin bottom lip as if he were trying to hold back his own.
National response
As seen from news reports and polls across the country, national fear for safety has risen dramatically in the wake of the mass hysteria that followed the iPhone 5 release.
“The worst is over, we hope,” a Los Angeles Apple store employee who wishes to remain anonymous said. “Now that the iPhone 5 release is over and done with, we’re hoping people will calm down a bit. I mean, it’s an amazing phone, but we never expected such an explosion over its release,” he laughed, an uncomfortable edge to his voice.
Official Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.


Guest Author: Nadia Dahdouh is a blogger and copywriter for Instant Checkmate. Her areas of specialty include entertainment, technology, and background checks. To check out more of Nadia's work, follow her on Twitter or Crunchbase.