30 Things I Learned From The Simpsons

Few things have been as comfortingly consistent as The Simpsons – whether it’s knowing that Grandpa
will always be left behind, Bart will always be strangled or that Marge will always forgive Homer – this is
a surprisingly “family values” show that has survived the test of time. In true Simpsons style here is a list
of the top things I’ve learned from being glued to the tube for nearly a quarter of a century soaking up
every inane quip and petty squabble of this iconic American staple.

1. Prank calls are always funny.
2. Pigs can't walk on the ceiling.
3. Burning is a flavor.
4. The baby did it.
5. With enough money you can live forever.
6. Aliens do exist.
7. Blue hair color isn’t just for Katy Perry or old ladies.
8. Those grouchy people behind the counter at the DMV really do hate you.
9. Fat guys can get hot chicks.
10. Winning a Grammy is a lot like not winning anything at all.
11. T-shirt cannons are deadly.
12. The TV always loves you back.
13. Putting “-iddly” on the end of your words makes people want to kill you.
14. Clowns are often crying on the inside.
15. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s not even remotely true.
16. You can have a mind-boggling number of careers and still be super-lazy.
17. Snuggle-time is a euphemism for something you never want to see your mom and dad doing.
18. If you start strangling your kids early enough, there will be no permanent damage.
19. Alcohol is the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems.
20. Don’t eat the three-eyed fish.
21. All roads lead to Springfield.
22. No matter how many times you wreck your car, you never have to get a new one.
23. The key to a happy marriage is preferring to feel the sweet breath of your beautiful wife on the back of your neck as you sleep – over stuffing dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
24. No matter how smart you are you can still end up in the second grade for 24 years.
25. Speaking Italian can make anyone sexy.
26. Cough syrup is a great cocktail mixer.
27. Sideshow Bob is like glitter – no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, it’s never really gone.
28. Parking old people in a nursing home doesn’t make them disappear.
29. You should remember Troy McClure.
30. This is the Best. List. Ever.

For better or worse, the whole of my adult life has been guided (one way or another) by the first family
of Springfield – and I never get tired of visiting them again and again, even if it’s just to be reminded that
at the end of the day all we really need is the love of our friends and family, a good sense of humor and
a six pack of Duff.

Tyler is a writer and marketer for CableTV.com