In recent years, our TV screens have been littered with a whole host of reality shows, and while a handful of them may have been half decent, the vast majority have been shockingly poor. Despite the almost blanket coverage that has been imposed upon us by schedulers who have seemingly given up the ghost completely, there are still plenty more of these shows to come.
For TV viewers who regard themselves as discerning, the sad truth is that the bottom of the barrel hasn’t quite been reached just yet. That day will surely come when someone, presumably a Z-list celebrity, is publicly executed live at primetime, but until then the genre will continue to appal and appeal. Here are a few suggestions for shows that will hopefully take us closer to the days when we talk about reality programmes in the past tense:
I’m A Celebrity’s Unborn Baby, Get Me Out Of Here!
The premise for this show is simple: six celebrity mums-to-be agree to give birth live on air, and the public vote (via expensive texts, obviously) for their favourite performance. Marks are given for the bankability of the mildly famous hangers-on that are in the delivery room, the diversity of swear words used, the photogenic qualities of the baby and, of course, the amount of vajazzle bling that is on show throughout the birth. Extra points will also be allocated if the baby is given a ridiculous name.
Strictly Walking In A Straight Line
Although this sounds like it might be slightly dull, several focus groups have indicated that it could be a winner. Various celebrities will be lined up outside The Groucho Club at four o’clock in the morning and will attempt to walk in a straight line over a distance of 50 yards. All competitors will be expected to give a urine sample to test for illegal substances, and any of them that don’t have drink and drugs in their systems will be given some and told to complete the course again.
Wayne Rooney’s Find A Football Star Of Tomorrow, Err, Today
Following the success of Wayne Rooney’s Street Striker, the Manchester United superstar returns with another series aimed at discovering future footballing talent. Rather than just trying to find someone who’s good at kicking a pig’s bladder around a field this time, however, the production team have to turn an idealistic, talented youngster into the new Wayne Rooney. There will be various tasks to complete, such as kicking an opponent in the back of the legs for no apparent reason, swearing indiscriminately into a television camera and putting in a transfer request then withdrawing it in return for a substantial pay rise.